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dancingsingingYesterday, I was profoundly aware all day that I wasn't getting on an airplane to Madison. Now, this has turned out to be an obviously good decision--I was horribly nauseated last night and can barely walk around without getting super tired and dizzy. Also, I wasn't worrying that perhaps I'd go into labor on an airplane or even in a hospital thousands of miles from my spouse. So, good decision and I'm glad I made it. Nevertheless--sadface.
I don't know what I'm saddest about missing--fucking awesome genderfloomp2, reveling in the general culture of hugginess and lack of misogyny, seeing my dear friends that I only see annually, meeting new awesome people. Or maybe just the freedom to be away from family responsibilities and roles, to feel like I'm just me, by myself, doing what I want. I think all the things are interrelated and build on each other. Like, I guess right now I could up and head out to a noodle shop like the one on State Street without consulting anyone. But I'd be unlikely to find some completely awesome friend or stranger to join me. And I'd still be aware of how I have to pick my kid up at 1:00 and remember to do the dishes early so the babysitter won't be grossed out later. It's just not the same as that sort of ineffable feeling of freedom I have at Wiscon to do whatever the hell I want whenever I want. Not that I want my whole life to be like that--I consciously chose my roles and responsibilities in my life and the payoff in having this wonderful, loving family is so worth it. But, still. It's like, that one long weekend a year where I get to remember what it feels like to just be me, I draw on that as a source of energy and inspiration for the whole year.
Also, I think I'm freaking out a little about the temporary loss of identity and sort of personal surrender that goes along with a new baby. Like, I want to have that experience of totally falling into baby-land, and of falling in love with this new person. I wouldn't have gotten pregnant if I didn't want it. But it's still a little scary, and I wonder how I will know how to get back out when it's time. And the thought of no more Wiscons for four or five years--or at least no more child-free ones--I get scared about how I'm going to stay in touch with the just-me, doing what I want and saying what I think person.
I've been thinking a lot lately about going back to school to start up a new career as a mechanical engineer, or a programmer, or a network security specialist, or a math professor. I'm pretty sure that I don't actually want to do those things and that this mentation about it all has to do with working out some of this freak-out about being swallowed up by parenting an infant. But it feels good to contemplate it. And I like the idea that in maybe ten years I could make enough money to replace my spouse's salary and let him do some of the connecting with the kids that I get to do. Of course, in ten years, the first one would be on the brink of college anyway, so that doesn't really work. But there is appeal in the idea nonetheless.
I don't know what I'm saddest about missing--fucking awesome genderfloomp2, reveling in the general culture of hugginess and lack of misogyny, seeing my dear friends that I only see annually, meeting new awesome people. Or maybe just the freedom to be away from family responsibilities and roles, to feel like I'm just me, by myself, doing what I want. I think all the things are interrelated and build on each other. Like, I guess right now I could up and head out to a noodle shop like the one on State Street without consulting anyone. But I'd be unlikely to find some completely awesome friend or stranger to join me. And I'd still be aware of how I have to pick my kid up at 1:00 and remember to do the dishes early so the babysitter won't be grossed out later. It's just not the same as that sort of ineffable feeling of freedom I have at Wiscon to do whatever the hell I want whenever I want. Not that I want my whole life to be like that--I consciously chose my roles and responsibilities in my life and the payoff in having this wonderful, loving family is so worth it. But, still. It's like, that one long weekend a year where I get to remember what it feels like to just be me, I draw on that as a source of energy and inspiration for the whole year.
Also, I think I'm freaking out a little about the temporary loss of identity and sort of personal surrender that goes along with a new baby. Like, I want to have that experience of totally falling into baby-land, and of falling in love with this new person. I wouldn't have gotten pregnant if I didn't want it. But it's still a little scary, and I wonder how I will know how to get back out when it's time. And the thought of no more Wiscons for four or five years--or at least no more child-free ones--I get scared about how I'm going to stay in touch with the just-me, doing what I want and saying what I think person.
I've been thinking a lot lately about going back to school to start up a new career as a mechanical engineer, or a programmer, or a network security specialist, or a math professor. I'm pretty sure that I don't actually want to do those things and that this mentation about it all has to do with working out some of this freak-out about being swallowed up by parenting an infant. But it feels good to contemplate it. And I like the idea that in maybe ten years I could make enough money to replace my spouse's salary and let him do some of the connecting with the kids that I get to do. Of course, in ten years, the first one would be on the brink of college anyway, so that doesn't really work. But there is appeal in the idea nonetheless.
