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I left the awards ceremony early because I was freaking the fuck out over the shirt I was wearing for the genderfloop dance party. Because I actually really liked how I looked in it. And I totally looked like a dyke. And it freaked me out to actually embrace it, totally activated that internalized disgust and self-loathing. So I fled to my room and cried for a while and then chanted. Sort of affirmed the "you are the treasure tower and the treasure tower is you" thing from my religious practice, and reaffirmed my commitment to get over this shit.
Then I went down to the genderfloop dance party and had the most fucking awesome time ever. All sorts of amazing people dancing and being playful and being themselves. Also! I've been a little sad because the woman I've had an intense and abiding crush on is not here. I've been consoling myself that I'll get to visit her in other contexts. But also, I discovered this Wiscon that I can have more than one profound crush. Multiply the fun! And not zero-sum! Again I am jealous of my poly friends. Anyway, though, what I was talking about is how awesome the genderfloop party was. And rolling around in an intense crush while shaking my booty right there next to her was all sorts of fabulous.
But it gets better! Toward the end of genderfloop, I followed her puppy-dog-like up to the tail end of the 6th floor parties, where I ended up drinking and hanging out with a whole group of queer people, mostly women. Who totally assumed I was queer! Because of the shirt! And it was like being twenty and being embraced by community just like I was longing for in my post a while back about all the ridiculously impossible and unreasonable things I want. So I stayed up until 3:30 to have every last drop.
Of course there's a downside. I woke up this morning, realized that I have to leave, and all sorts of sobbing ensued. I think that, even though I've known for a while how much I'm attracted to women and how much I want to be twenty and partying, I had no idea how intensely I've been in pain. So I finally get what I've been desperately needing, for a few hours, and now it's over and I feel really forlorn.
Then I went down to the genderfloop dance party and had the most fucking awesome time ever. All sorts of amazing people dancing and being playful and being themselves. Also! I've been a little sad because the woman I've had an intense and abiding crush on is not here. I've been consoling myself that I'll get to visit her in other contexts. But also, I discovered this Wiscon that I can have more than one profound crush. Multiply the fun! And not zero-sum! Again I am jealous of my poly friends. Anyway, though, what I was talking about is how awesome the genderfloop party was. And rolling around in an intense crush while shaking my booty right there next to her was all sorts of fabulous.
But it gets better! Toward the end of genderfloop, I followed her puppy-dog-like up to the tail end of the 6th floor parties, where I ended up drinking and hanging out with a whole group of queer people, mostly women. Who totally assumed I was queer! Because of the shirt! And it was like being twenty and being embraced by community just like I was longing for in my post a while back about all the ridiculously impossible and unreasonable things I want. So I stayed up until 3:30 to have every last drop.
Of course there's a downside. I woke up this morning, realized that I have to leave, and all sorts of sobbing ensued. I think that, even though I've known for a while how much I'm attracted to women and how much I want to be twenty and partying, I had no idea how intensely I've been in pain. So I finally get what I've been desperately needing, for a few hours, and now it's over and I feel really forlorn.
