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dancingsinging) wrote2011-06-10 11:01 pm
Considering Clarion West write-a-thon
The problem is, I'm freaking out about the idea a little, because w-a-t participants seem to actually be trying to write something good. As opposed to nanowrimo, which seems largely to be people trying to write something at all, which they hope might be incidentally good. (At least, that's historically how I've done it. Except the year I tried to write something good, freaked out, and didn't finish.)
Which brings me to a conversation I want to relate. I was talking to a good friend of mine and kind of running in circles about how my life feels generally worthless and meaningless and that, actually, I suck in an essential way. She observed that the whole thing seemed to actually center on my writing, and how it seemed threaten me in a very profound way. She noted that whenever I got too close to actually starting to make progress on my writing, I would kind of generate a loud and furious crisis in my life (like a politician bringing up abortion when they don't want to talk about something else). This observation really struck me, in the sense of something I thought I understood but was seeing in a whole different light.
Having heard pretty much every writer talk about getting around their inner critic in order to write, I had assumed that everyone contended with nearly debilitating feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt every time they sat down to write. But in the course of my conversation with my friend, it occurred to me that maybe for some people it was more like the inner critic I have to deal with when I'm cleaning my house or something--annoying and hurtful, but manageable with some consciousness about it. So I said, "I'm wondering if maybe it's possible to write without going through excruciating pain." And she was like, "That's a good thought. And maybe without having to write badly on purpose."
I had just explained to her how, the day before, I had made myself write 2000 words of smut as a warm up, to kind of force myself to break through the self-silencing and to give myself permission to be bad. And the story was bad. Like, the characters and plot seemed as if they had been invented by an adolescent who had read too much Twilight. Except without the werewolf and vampire and creepy stalking. Anyway, it was just horrible. And it was painful writing something that bad. But here's the crazy thing--it hadn't occurred to me to try to make it easier by just writing something good. So weird.
My friend talked about "permission to fail" in a radically different way than I had understood it. Not that it's okay to be as sucky as you secretly think you probably are, because we should lovingly accept ourselves even if we do fundamentally suck. But rather that failing is a part of the process of succeeding. Because we don't fundamentally suck; actually, we have the power to do amazing things. By actively trying lots of things and learning each time when it doesn't turn out. She related the story of the development of methyl-B as a treatment for autism. She said that this highly effective treatment came about by hundreds of researchers showing up every day for fifteen years and failing. And each failure led them one step closer to finding the treatment.
This friend that I was talking to is a fellow Buddhist. In the course of our conversation, we discussed the Dragon King's Daughter*, a character in the Lotus Sutra whom everyone thought could never attain enlightenment because (1) she was female, (2) she was a child, (3) she was an animal, and (4) she was the daughter of this evil dude. But she was all, "I can attain enlightenment right now, just as I am. SUCKAS!" And then she did. And everyone else realized that they had been dumbasses, and that their previous understanding was very shallow.
So, as our conversation was winding up, I was all thinking about how maybe someday I wouldn't have to torture myself to write something. You know, in the future, when I wasn't all fucked-up anymore. I asked my friend whether she thought I should even bother to write for the last hour that I had that day, since clearly I had to go home and chant for hours to fix being so messed up. And she was like, "What a ridiculous question! Of course you should write. Chant in your car for five minutes to activate your Buddha nature, and then go write! You're the dragon king's daughter!"
And you know what? That shit worked. I went back to my story that I had been agonizing over and the solution was totally right there. And it was juicy! And easy! And I felt good, the way you feel good when you're doing something you know you're good at. I couldn't believe it. And then I was pretty sure it was a fluke, but I tried it the next day and it worked again.
Which all leads me to think that I should totally do the Clarion West write-a-thon. But I'm still nervous about it.
*I know it seems all sexist that she only has a title that names her in relation to her father. But that's actually, I think, the point. Everything that made it seem to others that she couldn't attain enlightenment was this incorrect, deluded social stuff. But the reality is that none of it mattered, none of it had to change for her to be enlightened. Because we don't essentially suck.
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My Inner Critic doesn't pop up when I sit down to write. I was blessed to be told early that I have a real talent expressing myself, both in person and on paper. That settled in as a truth well before I had the chance to grow into any doubt. I use the word blessing, not only concerning self-esteem, but in dealing with my learning disabilities/differences. If I didn't believe I had talent, I'd never bother to work so hard to overcome my inability to retain certain grammatical structures and rules, (among other issues).
My Inner Critic, let's call him MIC and call him, him because it's amuses me more to consider it a matter of "the man keeping me down". Now, MIC doesn't speak up when I open the document, because frankly, he'd lose all of his later amusement. The part that doubts, as small as it is, wants me to write, polish and submit, because MIC doesn't get his jollys until rejections or revision request come back. Then he's loud and clear and thoughts of "pharmacy school" start to dance through my head.
I could just stop writing, become a pharmacy tech, fill Rxs because that, at least, would be a job making people feel better. I could work overnight and write fanfiction and other stories, that no one ever has to read and discover how much I suck because my brain is wired differently. This used to be a "cabin in the woods" scenario when I was young and has bounced through different jobs as I got older. I don't quite know where the phrase "maybe I'll just go to pharmacy school" first came from, but it's become code in my house for "I just opened this email and it will not be framed and hung on the wall of my Happy Place".
I happen to be in a pharmacy school face after a revision request, so this is all fresh. Fortunately, I've made peace with MIC this last year. I've decided he's not malicious, he's lazy. He likes things the way they are and doesn't want to put in the effort for me. He'd rather see a revision as an insult instead of an opportunity. But the opportunity is right there in the name. I've been invited to re-vision something I love. To look at it again, but this time knowing that someone else thought it worthwhile to give that bit of extra effort to make it sing. How can you be upset about that, right?
Success is failure done right. Or in the case of writing, failure is success in dirty clothes. You just need to clean it up a bit and pay attention to the lessons during the down and dirty phase, so that you don't have to learn them over again. If you take a manuscript and keep dressing it in the same rags because you can't accept that they need to be washed and mended, your story is going to continue to stink.
The story I've been asked to revise isn't in rags, but it's definitely wearing a t-shirt from the hamper and now's the chance to put it in something a jazz and pimp it out. *grin*
Sorry for the length, guess I should have remembered I had my own blog, huh?
Good Hunting, (by which I mean Good Writing, but I'm just geek like that!)
Hugs,
~X
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In this case, I especially like to hear about other writers' inner critics, since I'm trying to figure out how to manage around mine!
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I don't know what to say about the write-a-thon. I will, however, mention some advice I keep giving myself: when I at last find a process that works, stick with it! Don't immediately change it! I have, after a year of struggling with schedule and interruptions, found a way I can reliably get writing done... and right away I am tempted to try to "improve" it. Like it was only a blockage that needed clearing, not a whole procedural/lifestyle problem.
So... I don't know. You seem to be doing pretty well with your new insight. Imposing a huge challenging deadline thing on yourself just as soon as you've found your way seems like it might be setting yourself up for failure...? Just a thought. Do whatever you think is best!
In any case, so glad to hear you're having better luck with the writing! :)
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I'm just going to have to reflect on that for a little while. Because, historically, I have done really well with deadlines. All of the major strides I've made with my writing have been in response to a workshop submission deadline, or nanowrimo, or some other externally set deadline. I wish I could do the write-a-thon like one month later than it is!
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I have a few more days to chew over the write-a-thon decision. I think it would definitely help build on what I'm already doing, if only I had a little more time before starting it. I'm subbing five days a week for the next three weeks at the preschool, and historically, it's been super hard for me to both write and teach in the same day. It's like both activities tap pretty deeply into my empathy well. So the first two weeks of the write-a-thon might be rather brutal.