Depressed

[dancingsinging]

I've been having a super hard time this weekend. I think it was that I expected to get some rest, or fun, or something and then didn't. (Obv, because I didn't make it happen, but still.) On top of going to FOGcon and expecting it to help the loneliness and it didn't. (Because I was too stressed out to really connect with anyone. I have a half-written, long, whiny post about it I may finish sometime.) It's interesting how I feel awful when the thing I'd been hoping for is over, like the looking forward to con or the weekend is what kept me going.

While I was nursing the intermittently screaming baby tonight (I started putting him to bed too late so he was super hungry and overtired), I had this half of a suicidal thought. Like, along the lines of, "Oh wouldn't it be so much easier if--" and then I mind-scrubbed it. It wasn't like suicidal ideation or anything, more of a wisp of a thought. It concerned me a little; I think if I were less depressed it would have scared me. I'm sensitive about that stuff, since it's been a not-unreasonable fear of mine that my mom's going to off herself since I was about twelve. Also, I'm the one in the family who isn't bipolar, who is cheerful and bubbly, you know? So it's kind of disturbing to not be holding that. But, like I said, it's hard to actually care too much about that right now.

I had a plan to find a freakin' night nurse for the baby so I could sleep, like, eight hours for a month. Then I was going to feel better and be able to figure out a long-term plan to get the stupid way-too-old-for-this-shit baby to sleep. And to deal with my big kid's school issues. And all my freaking out about my unintentional weight loss. And all the other shit.

But Spouse is opposed to the idea. Because it would be incredibly expensive, but also because he doesn't like the idea of someone else doing it. And I'm like, why don't you not sleep for eight months and then tell me about what a bad idea this is? But then I get all fair and remember that we operate on consensus and that I get to veto letting the baby cry it out so I guess it makes sense that he gets to veto the night nurse idea. But honestly? I'm still pissed off at him.

And why do I even have the energy to be pissed when I'm having trouble giving a crap about the things that, intellectually anyway, seem important?

I have no wrap-up thought here. I guess I can't give a crap about thinking of one.

Comments

[wild_irises]

Let's talk tomorrow. *hug*

[lovepeaceohana]

Dropping in from network to offer encouragement and solidarity. Having a nursling is hard, and being sleep-deprived makes everything harder.

I hope you find a solution that works for everyone, and that your health improves.

[metaphortunate]

Oh, hon. You sound like you're at the end of your rope. I'm sorry things haven't been as much fun as you were hoping - that's very likely to happen when you're really tired, too! I'm sorry you didn't feel connected at FOG, I was really happy to see you, I wish we could have had some quiet down time.

Having the energy to be pissed off about this might be self-preservation, honestly.

Might it be possible to get a night nurse for, like, a night? To check it out? Or maybe one night a week? Or if your dude is really against the idea, can he take more hours of night duty? We did shifts: ten to two one person had to get up if there was crying and the other person had earplugs in, at two we traded and then the baby was usually up for the day at six. Four hours isn't eight, but y'know, it's a lot better than it could be.

Also, you are allowed to not always be cheerful and bubbly. You are not the Provider of Happy. Sometimes humans have negative feelings, and that is normal and okay!

Oh hey, I thought you'd get a kick out of this: the other night I was trying to put the Junebug to bed, and usually the way that goes is after tooth brushing and pyjamas he gets two books read to him, or occasionally one book and then being laid down in his crib and a song sung to him while he's lying down, and then the lights go off and we leave. But that night he refused all of his books. And he refused to be laid down in his crib. And in desperation I thought....maybe I'll just tell him a story? And of course my mind went blank. What the hell stories do I know?? The only story that sprang to mind was Cinderella. So I told him a brief version of Cinderella. But in my version, there was a great deal of emphasis on how the stepmom and sisters were bad because they didn't do their fair share of chores, and they made Cinderella do all of them. And when Cinderella went off to live in the palace with the Prince and learn to lead the country someday, in the palace the Queen does chores and the King does chores and the Prince does chores and Cinderella does chores and so they all live happily ever after together because everyone does their fair share of chores like they should.

[jinian]

Having the energy to be pissed when things are fundamentally bad for you is a good thing. Does Spouse like the idea of you being at the end of your rope? I'm mad at him too!