Something Short from Wiscon
May. 28th, 2011 03:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancingsingingMy first panel ever, "The Future of School," went /really/ well! The other panelists were fascinating and well informed and the audience was super engaged. I thought no one would show up because none of us were big names and it was opposite some really awesome stuff. But people came! and talked! and listened to me! I have to admit that I reveled in being able to talk unapologetically and take up a bunch of time, since it really was something I had a lot to say about, and I was confident that the things I had to say were interesting and thought-provoking. A great conversation over lunch with epershand really helped me get my Waldorfy juices flowing. I was gratified to hear an audience member (who was an educator and someone who clearly has put in a lot of thought about fixing the ills of education) declare that she had been sold on Waldorf education. I wasn't there to evangelize, but I really do think Waldorf is awesome and couldn't help kind of going on about it.
I also noticed that I am completely terrified of the Genderfloop Dance Party. I mean, I know that the spirit of the whole thing is play, and that no one will, like, be grading me and my outfit. But I'm still scared to go. I think it has a lot to do with the internalized homophobia that's been hiding in me. Like, I don't feel it toward other people, but there's some part of me that keeps telling me that I'm gross and icky to be queer. So of course I project it onto the imaginary people who will be at the party, standing around and thinking how I'm disgusting in the first place and also, if I'm going to do the whole butch lesbian thing, oughtn't I do it better? I really hate those imaginary people who only actually exist in my head.
This leads me to another thought that I've been tossing around in my head. I've been wondering to myself why it pains me so much to not flirt with, pick up, and sleep with women. Why I feel that if I can't have that (and a pony!) my efforts to let poor inner Baby Dyke have a chance to breathe are useless. And I realized something! I've been looking to other lesbian and bi women to reassure me that I'm not gross, by wanting to have sex with me. Like, some part of me is so sure that the dykey part of me is sexually disgusting that I don't actually believe that a woman would want to sleep with me. So I want someone else to do that work for me, of reassuring me that I'm not disgusting. Of course, now that I'm thinking it through, it makes no sense and it seems obvious that no amount of outside validation would ever be enough. But still.
epershand really helped me get my Waldorfy juices flowing. I was gratified to hear an audience member (who was an educator and someone who clearly has put in a lot of thought about fixing the ills of education) declare that she had been sold on Waldorf education. I wasn't there to evangelize, but I really do think Waldorf is awesome and couldn't help kind of going on about it. I also noticed that I am completely terrified of the Genderfloop Dance Party. I mean, I know that the spirit of the whole thing is play, and that no one will, like, be grading me and my outfit. But I'm still scared to go. I think it has a lot to do with the internalized homophobia that's been hiding in me. Like, I don't feel it toward other people, but there's some part of me that keeps telling me that I'm gross and icky to be queer. So of course I project it onto the imaginary people who will be at the party, standing around and thinking how I'm disgusting in the first place and also, if I'm going to do the whole butch lesbian thing, oughtn't I do it better? I really hate those imaginary people who only actually exist in my head.
This leads me to another thought that I've been tossing around in my head. I've been wondering to myself why it pains me so much to not flirt with, pick up, and sleep with women. Why I feel that if I can't have that (and a pony!) my efforts to let poor inner Baby Dyke have a chance to breathe are useless. And I realized something! I've been looking to other lesbian and bi women to reassure me that I'm not gross, by wanting to have sex with me. Like, some part of me is so sure that the dykey part of me is sexually disgusting that I don't actually believe that a woman would want to sleep with me. So I want someone else to do that work for me, of reassuring me that I'm not disgusting. Of course, now that I'm thinking it through, it makes no sense and it seems obvious that no amount of outside validation would ever be enough. But still.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-29 05:30 pm (UTC)You are not disgusting. Really. Also, yes internal validation is wonderful, but we are social animals and we do rely on feedback from others to understand our place in the world and I don't think it's unreasonable to want that.
no subject
Date: 2011-05-30 04:27 pm (UTC)