The shirt, self-loathing, and squee! genderfloop

[dancingsinging]

I left the awards ceremony early because I was freaking the fuck out over the shirt I was wearing for the genderfloop dance party. Because I actually really liked how I looked in it. And I totally looked like a dyke. And it freaked me out to actually embrace it, totally activated that internalized disgust and self-loathing. So I fled to my room and cried for a while and then chanted. Sort of affirmed the "you are the treasure tower and the treasure tower is you" thing from my religious practice, and reaffirmed my commitment to get over this shit.

Then I went down to the genderfloop dance party and had the most fucking awesome time ever. All sorts of amazing people dancing and being playful and being themselves. Also! I've been a little sad because the woman I've had an intense and abiding crush on is not here. I've been consoling myself that I'll get to visit her in other contexts. But also, I discovered this Wiscon that I can have more than one profound crush. Multiply the fun! And not zero-sum! Again I am jealous of my poly friends. Anyway, though, what I was talking about is how awesome the genderfloop party was. And rolling around in an intense crush while shaking my booty right there next to her was all sorts of fabulous.

But it gets better! Toward the end of genderfloop, I followed her puppy-dog-like up to the tail end of the 6th floor parties, where I ended up drinking and hanging out with a whole group of queer people, mostly women. Who totally assumed I was queer! Because of the shirt! And it was like being twenty and being embraced by community just like I was longing for in my post a while back about all the ridiculously impossible and unreasonable things I want. So I stayed up until 3:30 to have every last drop.

Of course there's a downside. I woke up this morning, realized that I have to leave, and all sorts of sobbing ensued. I think that, even though I've known for a while how much I'm attracted to women and how much I want to be twenty and partying, I had no idea how intensely I've been in pain. So I finally get what I've been desperately needing, for a few hours, and now it's over and I feel really forlorn.

Comments

[were_duck]

*HUGS* now I am regretting leaving at 2, I wish I could have talked with you more! Hope to see you next year, and around the internet... It sounds like you had an intense night.

[dancingsinging]

It was indeed tense!

I would have loved to talk to you more, too. But in actuality, you missed nothing scintillating from me. After two or so it really just devolved into drunken silly laughter and inane chatter. (In a really wonderful way to experience--like I didn't have to sit around and talk about how really, really I am queer, I swear.)

I look forward to talking with you more next year for sure. I'm kind of quiet on dw/lj. I'm trying to be around here more, but silence from me on dw =/= lack of interest.

[vito_excalibur]

I feel like this post is tragically lacking in photos of you in this shirt, is what!

Anyway, yay profound crushes! There are so many profoundly crushworthy women at Wiscon. I am glad you took advantage to have crushes on them! Consolatory hugs for the morning after. :/

[wild_irises]

Agree about the tragic lack. But I got to see it, and I am here to tell you, seriously cute. I'm sure you are astonished.

[dancingsinging]

Thanks for saying so!

[dancingsinging]

I so meant to reply to this comment when you posted it!

As I commented in response to a later comment, I will totally bring the shirt with me the next time I come visit the bay area. Junebug can totally barf all over it!

Yay indeed about profound crushes! And thanks for the consolatory hugs. I did figure out later that the crushee in this case totally looks like a woman who had this profound influence on me when I was an adolescent, and when I got the two people sorted out in my own head, the crush part changed to just being a super nice crush and lost the painful intensity.

[epershand]

I'm really sorry I missed seeing you in the shirt on Sunday night--it sounds super hot! I concur with vito_excalibur and wild_irises re: photos.

But I'm so glad I got to have solid 1:1 time with you on Saturday and can't wait until the next time I get to do so.

[dancingsinging]

I wish I had a good picture of me in the shirt. The only pic I have is one taken by my roommate before the whole breakdown/chanting/breakthrough thing, so I'm really not owning it in the picture. Also, I had not thought of rolling up the sleeves yet, which actually made a big difference.

The photo I have would make a great "before" pic if I had an "after" pic. Come to think of it, someone at the Broad Universe party took a pic of me and one of my friends there. If anyone happens to bump across it somewhere on the internet, let me know.

[dancingsinging]

I'm glad we got to hang out Saturday, too, epershand. It was delightful!

Oh! I have a brilliant idea. I'll wear the shirt /again/ when I come down to your neck of the woods and then you and v_e will get to see the shirt on me in person!

[xakara]

I'm sorry I missed this when you originally posted it. I'm so glad you're feeling better and getting to see you in that shirt next year is reason enough to get better and be able to hang longer! I can't wait to see you next year, but I hope a great deal more happens and settles into place well before then.

Hugs,

~X

[dancingsinging]

I so meant to reply more quickly, X! Thanks for saying nice things about me and my shirt. I hope you do get better quickly, and my selfish desire to see you again next May is just one of them. :) Hugs!