Out in another way
Jun. 10th, 2011 03:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dancingsingingSo, I recently got onto Facebook, and in front of my aunt-in-law (who reports to my mother-in-law) and all my Southern Baptist extended family, declared that I am, indeed, bisexual and monogamously married. Which was dandy. Because I was tired of being semi-out with family and all that. And I hated the feeling of being two radically different people in two different contexts.
But it made me realize how much I've pretended around here that I don't love my mainstream, monogamous, heterosexual marriage. And I don't want to be fake with you all. So here it is:
I like knowing that my spouse and I have something special, shared only between us. I like the results of having poured /all/ of our time and energy into a single relationship--that we know each other to depths that we couldn't if we hadn't spent so much time together. I love the feeling of having our wagons hitched together, of joint enterprise dominating the tone of our lives.
I can totally think of excellent poly counterarguments to each of these points. And, yes, if my spouse was up for it, I'd choose polyamory. But I don't anymore begrudge monogamy. It's not some huge drag I put up with because my spouse is just barely worth it. I love my spouse and I love my relationship, and because monogamy enables me to have them in my life, I love monogamy.
Perhaps this is boring and obvious to you all. But I needed to say it for me.
But it made me realize how much I've pretended around here that I don't love my mainstream, monogamous, heterosexual marriage. And I don't want to be fake with you all. So here it is:
I like knowing that my spouse and I have something special, shared only between us. I like the results of having poured /all/ of our time and energy into a single relationship--that we know each other to depths that we couldn't if we hadn't spent so much time together. I love the feeling of having our wagons hitched together, of joint enterprise dominating the tone of our lives.
I can totally think of excellent poly counterarguments to each of these points. And, yes, if my spouse was up for it, I'd choose polyamory. But I don't anymore begrudge monogamy. It's not some huge drag I put up with because my spouse is just barely worth it. I love my spouse and I love my relationship, and because monogamy enables me to have them in my life, I love monogamy.
Perhaps this is boring and obvious to you all. But I needed to say it for me.
no subject
Date: 2011-06-11 11:49 am (UTC)My relationship has been one of "circumstantial monogamy" for more than a decade. We started poly, separated from a partner, and simply didn't find any one we wanted to bring into our household and make a permanent part of our family. Since we both want family and not just lovers, the circumstance left us happily monogamous.
Now, we're in a mindset of expanding our household again now, but it has nothing to do with being anti-monogamy. I love the time we've had together and I don't want that gone in any way. The Polyfidelity I pratice has never required or caused a loss of intimate connection, but in fact deepened it. I simply have it with two people, (or three), instead of one. It doesn't mean that I value our monogamous years any less by returning to our poly roots, it just means that, that's where we are right now.
I'm just putting it out there so that you know it's not an either/or as far as values and emphasis, nor is "making space" the same as "giving up" what you have. You don't have to be anti-monogamy or anti-current-relationship, just because you're pro-poly. It's a spectrum, not a competition. So celebrate your bisexuality, you monogamous heterosexual marriage, your husband, and your poly inclinations, and know it's all valid, all at the same time.
Cheers Hon,
~X